The Post
(Ohio U.)
09/30/97
(U-WIRE)
ATHENS, Ohio
--
Recently, I've noticed an increase in the number of students who pretend they
like cats. They can't be serious, the rest of us know, because cats are as
much fun as long division.
The problem is, cats continue to
multiply. This gives the people who pretend to like them too much fun. With
more cats in the world, more people will pucker their lips, turn to you, and
go, "Loooook at the cuuuute kiiiitty, yeeeeeess, that's a cuuuute kiiiitty!"
This is annoying, sure, but it's only a form of rationalization. What our
friends are actually trying to tell us is: "Look, I know I'm a dolt when I
pucker my lips and make googling sounds to this animal, but I can't help it.
I've obviously made a huge mistake in my pet preference, but I'm not ready to
come to terms with my problem. I'm not ready to admit that cats are, in
essence, large piles of sleeping fur. What can I do? I don't know where to
turn. Therapy is too expensive, and I can't go back home because my entire
house smells like a litter box!"
If this sounds like you, please
remain calm. There's still hope, and I am here to help. But, before we can
continue, please know that, effective immediately, you must stop pointing out
cats to the rest of us. Try your best to ignore them. Pretend they're just
furry little hats and keep walking. The rest of us have better selective
vision; we tend to only see things important to our lives, such as mint
chocolate chip ice cream and Moonlighting reruns.
In order to help
the confused cat lover, I am going to use a device that might hurt a bit:
the truth. By discussing the real differences between cats and dogs, each of
us will be able to decipher which animal is humorous, loyal, entertaining,
giving and friendly and which animal plays with string.
We will
begin the comparison with a topic vital to the life span of both animal and
owner: exercise. In short, you can walk a dog. In a
high-pitched and excited voice, you can say, "SPOONER! SPOONER! WANNA GO FOR A
WALK? WANNA GO FOR A WALK?" Hearing its owner's high-pitched voice, the
dog will immediately wag its tail and shake its body in
excitement. It has just heard, "SPOONER! SPOONER! blah blah blah blah WALK?
blah blah blah blah WALK?"
This makes the dog
run around in a few meaningless circles and head for the front door, eager to
sniff. You cannot have the same bonding experience with a cat, mainly because
you have no idea where the darn thing went. This is because your cat was ?
Dumb enough to get stuck in the neighbor's tree. It was tired of
lying like a log on the sofa all day, so it decided it might be fun to lie
like a log on a branch. But, just like last Thursday, it can't get down. You
will have to call the fire department again. The firefighters, after they
laugh at you, will use a long ladder to rescue the cat. A neighbor will call
the TV news, and, all of the sudden, some firefighter named Bo will become a
town hero. A dog, watching this fiasco, would want to help.
Excited but confused, it would simply urinate on a fire hydrant. But at least
it makes an effort. Your cat, after the ordeal, will not give you an
apologetic "meeeow." Instead, there is a good chance it will ?
Claw you until you bleed. During the few times they are not lying like logs,
cats enjoy jumping on you with the sole intent of digging their claws into
your forearm and inner thigh regions. Cat "lovers" pretend this is the cat's
way of showing affection, when, in reality, it just hurts. Cats jump on you to
say, "THERE! TAKE THAT FOR FEEDING ME ALL THAT DAMN TUNA!" whereas dogs jump
on you to say, "MASTER! YOU'RE HOME! I WAS SO LONELY HERE WITHOUT YOU! I'LL
TAKE A MILK BONE, PLEASE!" When a cat eats enough tuna, and when a dog
eats enough Milk Bones, both animals tend to ?
Stink.
But the cat owner, again, is the loser here because cats excrete waste inside
the house. No litter sold in America today can stop the inevitable stench.
Dogs, at least, are wise enough to take their business outside, sometimes in a
neighbor's yard, hopefully the same neighbor who called the TV news. Your
pooch, again, is looking out for you! And your dog would
clean up after itself if it could, but it keeps forgetting where you put the
poop-scooper. Chances are, you left it in the shed.
Which, incidentally, is where you should stick the cat.
Courtesy USAtoday
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